Thursday, August 19, 2004

Tossed in the wind

Like a leaf over an air grate, tumbling, rising, dropping precipitously, almost landing, getting swirled up yet again. Twisting and turning in the air like a gymnast, but a gymnast unable to land - over and over again.
That's pretty much how I'm feeling of late.

  • It's a migraine week and my stomach hasn't been all too happy of late anyway.
  • I turn 30 next week. Somewhat freaked out by that on a conscious level, but I think I'm very freaked out on a deeper level.
  • Three good friends have had babies this summer and I've been bad about keeping in touch with all 3. Lost one's phone number and haven't gotten around to calling her parents (she isn't online, can you believe it?) - so it's likely she's really mad at me for not calling recently. I feel like a bad friend.
  • The whole house thing. It's amazing. It's such a big decision. It's a huge commitment to a neighborhood, to a house, to a debt, to J (not like I'm not ready for it, but it is big).

I'm psyched, I'm giddy, I'm scared to death.
I feel that same twitchiness in my veins that I had before my first big work presentation, before a solo in a concert, before singing at Carnegie Hall, before going to Paris for 3 months.

Actually Paris is probably the best comparison.
I freaked myself out so much that time I basically didn't come out of my room for a few weeks and cried a lot. Was pretty miserable until kind folk guided me out of my self-imposed shell.

Hopefully I've learned more since then.
Hopefully all of these seemingly little but in actuality big and important things happening at once won't push me totally over the brink.

Keep watching. Could be my Gold medal match. Could be a train wreck.

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